It’s been ages, but here is a little bit of Kaz Cooke. From “The little book of beauty”.
Make lips look bigger by sticking an enlarged colour photo of your lips over the real ones.
Neatness is important. When you shave off your real eyebrows and draw some new skinny ones on with felt-tipped pens, make sure you have had less than five (5) UDL vodka and oranges within the previous one (1) hour.
Blusher should be applied either in big clowny circles or obvious swipes. This means you don’t have to change looks when your eyesight starts to fail.
For truly luminous skin, place a small, battery-operated torch inside your mouth and turn it on.
Get someone to smack you on the back of the head at irregular intervals. It opens up the eyes.