From Kaz Cooke’s “The little book of stress”.

Write down a list of all your most intimate worries. Chant the list hourly until you become unconscious or rigid with horror.

Always drive in the city at peak hour, and sound your horn almost constantly.

If you are trying to cut down on sunflower seeds, nuts and alfalfa, take up smoking, drinking and doing drugs. It will really help.

Pets are an important part of mental health. Buy a boa constrictor and let it roam free. It can fling itself at you from the rafters at random intervals.

Stay alert about your body image and encourage weight loss by wearing underpants that are two size too small, and back to front.