From “Lost in Translation” by Charlie Crocker.
In the “Room for improvemnt” chapter.
Replies from German hotels in response to inquiries about accommodation:
In the close village you can buy jolly memorials for when you pass away.
I send you my prices. If I am dear to you and your mistress she might perhaps be reduced.
I am honourable to accept your impossible request. Unhappy it is I here have not bedroom with bath. A bathroom with bed I have. I can though give you a washing with pleasure in a most clean spring with no person to see. I insist that you will like this.
I am amazing diverted by your entreaty for a room. I can offer you a commodious chamber with a balcony imminent to the romantic gorge and I hope you will want to drop in.
A vivacious stream washes my doorsteps so do not concern yourself that I am not too good in bath. I am superb in bed.
Standing among savage scenery the hotel offers stupendous revelations. There is a French widow in every bedroom, affording delightful prospects.
A hotel should be a home from home. But then again, it’s at home where most deaths occur.